 | If you can read this, I've lost my trailer
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| The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
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| He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder.
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| Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
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| Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh
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| If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a darn fool.
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| Forget world peace - Visualize using your turn signal
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| I used to have a handle on life - then it broke off
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| Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking
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| Chicken Little only has to be right once
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| In case of doubt, make it sound convincing
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| The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger
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| All that glitters has a high refractive index
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| Black holes in space is where God divided by zero
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| Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
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| Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear
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| I took an IQ test and the results were negative
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| Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it
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| Don't judge a book by its movie
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| Forget health food - I need all the preservatives I can get!
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| A man's house is his hassle
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| Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
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| Who stopped payment on my reality check?
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| A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
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| There are two times I feel stress--day and night
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| The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know
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| Nothing is so smiple that it can't be messed up
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| Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else
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| Practice makes perfeckt
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| If an experiment works, something has gone wrong
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| As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school
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| My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that
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| Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry
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| Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it
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| If at first you do succeed - try not to look astonished!
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| You're never too old to learn something stupid
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| It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way
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| Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either
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| Be nice to your kids - they'll pick your nursing home
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| Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's
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| Dyslexics of the world - untie!
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| Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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| How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
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| I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
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| Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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| Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
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| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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| They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder
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| Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
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| Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
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| For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
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| Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
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| Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
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| The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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| Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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| Trust in God, but lock your car
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| Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it
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| Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
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| When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane
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| Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
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| What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
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| When in doubt, give advice
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| After all is said and done, usually more is said
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| No one is listening until you make a mistake
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| When all else fails, follow instructions
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| If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments
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| Don't count your checks before they're cashed
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| Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools
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| Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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| The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.
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| Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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| Be alert...the world needs more lerts
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| Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
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| Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
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