Great Truths About Life

That Children Have Learned:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm while all others around you are losing their heads, maybe you just don't understand the problem.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.